10 things I’ve learned from taking a year off

12 min readMar 24, 2021

At the beginning of 2020, I found myself burnt out and was left with no choice but to take some time off. I was so focused on my job that I neglected all other aspects of my life. Clouded by the mental fog of stress and sleep deprivation, I’ve become so detached from everything. So much so that I was barely aware that the whole world was about to be disrupted by the pandemic. It wasn’t until I went into a supermarket, seeing shelves emptied out and sensing panic in people, that I realised I haven’t at all caught up with reality in the past few months leading up to this event. In fact, it was my fiancé keeping it all together for me. I hadn’t gone out for two weeks at this point so it was like stepping out and sleepwalking into a weird, dream-like, reality.

As London entered lockdown on 23rd March of 2020, I found myself faced with a lot of down time, like many others, allowing for some time to reflect on life.

I’ve been working for as long as I can remember.

Throughout my late teens and mid-twenties, I’ve always been go go go. I started getting paid jobs at the age of 16, babysitting and working at a local gift shop. Moving out at 18 years old, I kept working alongside my university studies. There were times when I despised missing out on social events but I knew that I wouldn’t have it any other way. I still kept a small group of close friends and enjoyed fitness classes in my free time. This way, I still had meaningful friendships and a way to relieve stress.

The family dynamics I was raised into had forced me to grow up quickly. I’ve always been taught and expected to be independent from a young age so when the time came, I sought and took pride in my newfound freedom and responsibility of providing for myself.

In retrospect, the trauma of overcoming dysfunctional family systems has left a gaping hole in my sense of worth that I subconsciously chased my own sense of safety and validation through external factors such as work. Reaching full exhaustion and burnout by the age of 28, my mind and body reached a breaking point. Previous muscle memories of stress and trauma have overridden my increasingly over-active nervous system. My physiology was triggered in ways I hadn’t expected or fully understood.

My inclination towards self-reflection has made me realise that it was time for a much-needed break and to take stock of my life choices leading to this point. I started to acknowledge that self-development is available and possible; right now, it takes precedence over my daily choices and I embrace its never-ending process.

Here are my reflections in the past year:

1.) What I do for a living does not define me.

2.) My earnings are not my worth.

3.) I have accomplishments beyond degrees and titles.

4.) Fitting in isn’t the same as ‘belonging’.

5.) The value of solitude and pause.

6.) What’s really important (values and essential-ism).

7.) Getting clear about my purpose. Finding my IKIGAI.

8.) Reconnecting with my inner-child is a life-changing principle.

9.) Ego is the enemy.

10.) The world will go on, so don’t sweat the small stuff.

READ ON IF YOU’D LIKE TO EXPLORE THEM WITH ME.

These lessons have been shaped by my conversations, meditations, and books I’ve read in the last year. May you find some value in them, too.

1.) WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING DOES NOT DEFINE ME.

As I’ve mentioned earlier, I chased validation through my work. I peered for my colleagues' acceptance and vied for my bosses’ recognition. This can be normal to some extent, for instance, as one starts out on a new job. However, my exhausting chase for validation merely hollowed my sense of identity. For a long time, I convinced myself that work will fill the void of past rejections so I pushed my nose to the grindstone. I was like a child constantly seeking approval. I’ve become a workaholic, running away from my own thoughts and problems, allowing my pursuit for approval to warp my sense of self. It was only a matter of time until I had to drop the act and get real with myself.

In pursuing work I was not even passionate about, I neglected the people and hobbies I actually loved. Ironically, these are the things that made me feel like myself and kept me grounded. So, this is where I have focused my time and energy in the last year.

2.) MY EARNINGS ARE NOT MY WORTH.

This goes hand in hand with the last point. Paychecks and money in the bank may seem like concrete proof of ”making it”. If praises won’t cut it, surely money will? Wrong. Your paycheck and bank account does not sum you up as a human being.

Think about the many roles in society that are not considered to be generating a direct disposable income: stay-at-home mums or dads, grandparents assisting on childcare, volunteer workers, etc. There are so many roles filled in society that don’t fit a box or aren’t quantified in value, but it doesn’t mean that they’re not valuable. We’re not even factoring in gender pay-gaps and other inequalities here.

When we hit a crisis and suddenly have to stop working, does our lack of income then mean we are no longer useful or worthy in society? Attaching our value in monetary term is a fickle measure of our self and our worth.

3.) I HAVE ACCOMPLISHMENTS BEYOND DEGREES AND TITLES.

I gained this perspective from a recent conversation with my former teacher and life-coach. Society conditions us to think that we have to graduate from university by the age of 21, start our career by 23, buy a house, get married and have children by 30. Within ten years of leaving education, we should all be set for life. How many times have we questioned such expectations put against us? Where did they all come from?

What about the obstacles we’ve overcome: trauma, abuse, illnesses, rejections, oppressions, bereavement, watching our loved ones suffer from mental illnesses, and so on. Aren’t these worth just as much as– if not more than– awards, merits, and accolades on paper?

There’s a quote that comes to mind: “Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.” J.M. Barrie

If everyone is fighting some kind of battle, then we all have accomplishments beyond degrees and titles.

4.) FITTING IN ISN’T THE SAME AS ‘BELONGING’.

This lesson comes from watching Brené Brown’s talk, The Call to Courage, in which she explains that the opposite of belonging is fitting in. Fitting in is assessing and acclimating. Assessing what you’re going to say and how you’d say it just to be agreeable or popular, changing how you dress and what you look like just to be acceptable — that’s fitting in. Belonging, on the other hand, is belonging to yourself first. Speaking your truth, telling your story, and never betraying yourself for other people. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are, it requires you to be who you are.

So what’s it gonna be?

Brené also quotes Ted Roosevelt’s 1910 speech, famously known as The Man in the Arena, stating that no one is entitled to judge you for the work that you do unless they are in the same arena as you’re standing in. So, be careful who you listen to when it comes to criticisms as there are many people who would easily hurl judgements and hurtful comments at you without showing up and putting themselves out there. Ultimately, you cannot take criticism and feedback from people who are not being brave with their lives. Be very specific about people whose opinion of you matter.

Both of these concepts of belonging to yourself and showing up for your true self is the ultimate display of courage. To have courage is to be vulnerable. Courage is measured by how vulnerable you are willing to be. Courage is to keep showing up (being yourself) even when you can’t control the outcome.

The work culture that I found myself in was deeply ingrained with an “us vs. them” and “you vs. me” mentality that everyone acted threatened all the time. It was exhausting. In the end, I realised I was trying too hard to fit in at the expense of my self-esteem.

5.) THE VALUE OF SOLITUDE AND PAUSE.

We live in a fast-paced world, where we are increasingly conditioned to perceive stress as something positive, a motivating factor, and even something to be proud of. When was the last time you’ve had a conversation like this:

Q: How are you?
A: I’m good. So busy… You know.

Saying “we’re SO busy” has become a “badge of honour”, wrote Kristen S. Jennings in her 2017 dissertation, which explores the perception of being “stressed” as honourable or impressive. We have to understand that being busy doesn’t necessarily mean we’re being productive. Powering through without a break is like an overheating car, pushing an extra mile on an empty tank. It gets us nowhere and, does more harm than good. Building resilience is about how we recharge ourselves and not about how we endure.

Sitting in our own thoughts can be hard and excruciating at times. Meditating, even just for 5 minutes, can feel like torture at first. Without the distraction of screens and gadgets, we quickly feel lost and bored. For example, I struggle to stay in bed at night due to rumination or worries about the past or the future. However, I found that when I’ve spent the day doing things I love, being in the present moment, and practicing self-kindness by taking a break, I get a sense of fulfilment at the end of the day. There is so much calm and perspective to be gained from solitude and taking a pause that it is worth taking time out of the day to practice this act of self-care.

6.) WHAT’S REALLY IMPORTANT (VALUES AND ESSENTIAL-ISM).

This is an extension of the last point above. At work, we’re told to work smarter, rather than work harder. But what does this really look like? I believe that this is a matter of culture as different nations value free-time and work-life balance differently. For example, in France, it is not customary to take packed lunch to school as children either go home for lunch or the school serves them a four-course meal on site. The French are known for taking proper breaks, lasting between 90 minutes to 2 hours, because they believe in enjoying food as one of life’s greatest pleasures. Meanwhile, Brits only take an average of 31 minutes break, with the Independent reporting in 2019 that 1 in 3 British office workers work through their lunch every day.

From my experience working in the education and public sector, you’d be lucky to have peace and quiet for half an hour each day without doing work-related tasks. Having a work laptop you can take with you everywhere, company assigned job phones, and whatsapp group chats with colleagues can make setting boundaries between work and personal breaks more challenging these days.

Having watched Minimalism: a documentary about the important things, and reading ‘Essentialism’ by Greg Mckeown, I’ve started to evaluate the key question of what truly matters in life and what the daily choices I am making to improve it. The answer I found is simple: it’s the people and being in the present moment (gratitude).

Minimalism is the pursuit of less, whilst Essentialism is about getting the right things done by wisely investing your time and energy in doing only what is essential. These two principles challenge the consumerist and superficial mind, as well as the disease of needing to please.

Why are we working so hard in jobs that we hate, just so we can buy things we don’t need, to please people we don’t even like? It’s madness.

7.) GETTING CLEAR ABOUT MY PURPOSE. FINDING MY IKIGAI.

I’m learning that it’s essential to look inwards when it comes to setting goals for ourselves. We’ve been surveyed all of our lives: at school, we were ranked based on our grades; at work, we are continuously expected to beat targets; out in society, we are subjected to social class and various superficial indicators for success. It is so easy to get caught up in all of that and allow external factors to be our driving force for “growth”. In Kate Raworth’s book, Doughnut Economics, she states that we are so obsessed with ‘economic growth’ for the sake of growth and pursuit of more, but rarely do we question what the purpose of growth and accumulation is.

The antidote to societal expectations and external pressures is being true to yourself. We need to start looking inwards through self-enquiry, reflecting on our own capacity and limitations before we allow anyone else to dictate what we can and cannot do. Taking constructive criticisms or feedback is different. Remember that, only those in the arena grant a say in your work, not the outsider or naysayers.

The Japanese concept of “Ikigai” is briefly explained in, The Way of the Monk, by Gaur Gopal Das. He states that finding our purpose is like unwrapping a parcel, where we can find joy in discovering truths about ourselves. We all need to find purpose in our lives which leads to a longer, happier, and more fulfilling life. The Japanese word “Ikigai” doesn’t have a known English translation but it means to be translated as: “reason to live” or having a “purpose” in life. This can be an exciting journey and awakening. We need to unwrap multiple layers of ourselves before we can develop our true potential.

The four questions to ask ourselves are:

What do I love doing?
What am I good at?
What does the world need?
What can I get paid for?
What you love + what you’re good at = your passion.
What you’re good at + what you can be paid for = your profession
What you can be paid for + what the world need = your vocation
What the world needs + what you love = your mission.

Passion + Profession + Vocation + Mission = your IKIGAI.

“If you do what you love, you never have to work a day in your life” Confucius. The origin of the saying has been debated over time but you get the point. I imagine the world would be a better place if we all got closer to our “ikigai” or our “purpose”. Instead of a world full of people hating their jobs and their lives, it will be a world full of happier people kinder to each other.

8.) RECONNECTING WITH MY INNER-CHILD IS A LIFE-CHANGING PRINCIPLE.

What is the one thing that you’ve stopped doing, that your nine-year-old self would be sad about? Do more of it!

As I peaked stress and fatigue at work, I stopped doing the things I love — singing, cooking, and being my silly self at times. I literally stopped laughing altogether; I couldn’t find the humour in anything anymore. I took everything too seriously. It wasn’t until I started to make amazing food again that I realised how much I’ve missed it and how much my body needed the nourishment. It wasn’t until I started to sing in the shower again that I realised I haven’t sang or laughed myself silly in over a year- just doing things for the sheer joy of it.

Reconnecting with my inner child allows me to check in with myself, whether I am being authentically me.

9.) EGO IS THE ENEMY.

I used to think that ego is what makes a person full of themselves. However, I recently learned that ego is the voice that tells you that you’re the ‘best’ and ‘worst’ at something. It’s the inner critic that tells you: “you’re not good enough”, or “you can’t do it”. And as soon as you catch a moment of confidence or belief in yourself, ego is there to remind you of your flaws and tells you that you don’t deserve a break. Understanding that ego is the enemy, is the beginning of liberating yourself from the many lies you’ve believed and told yourself for so long.

Ryan Holiday’s book, Ego is the Enemy, explores the ego at every turn- from ambition to success, success to failure. He explains that at the beginning of a venture or our career, ego prevents us from learning and cultivating our talents. In our success, ego blinds us to our faults and weaknesses, foreboding future problems. In failure, ego intensifies the hurt or shame and makes recovery more difficult. Getting to know the ego and overcoming it at every turn will ultimately liberate us to fulfil the world-changing work we’ve set out to achieve.

They say that you have to find a book at the right time for it to shift something inside you. This book couldn’t have come at a better time for me in 2020! I’ve listened to the audio book version twice since reading it. It definitely pointed out the ego traps I’ve fallen into in the past, which no doubt contributed to my burnout.